Buoyant Mariners come close...

With the league title secured against Teachers last week, Renegades were up against a resurgent Mariner’s team who had recently beaten Teachers and only lost to the Police due to a penalty at the death in their prior game.

Mariners are always a tricky prospect, but less so when they only turn up with 12 players. In a repeat of last season, when there is seemingly nothing to play for perhaps, the Mariners were struggling to field a full team.

Credit must go to the 12 Mariners who turned up – they were keen for a game and they intended to give the Renegades a game one way or another. It was quickly decided that Healy, Willy Woo and Caballo Loco would guest for the Mariners and the game was on.

The first half of the game will go down as one of the worst Renegades performances witnessed in recent history, certainly in the post-war era according to President Nash. Renegade complacency coupled with a determined Mariners team meant that the Renegades went into half time 19-0 down.

The Renegades pack exerted early dominance over their Mariner counterparts, but were unable to convert any of this pressure into points.

As the game progressed the Renegades were continually out-rucked, particularly by Caballo Loco who dominated for the Mariners at the breakdown, which was even more lawless than his native Venezuela. The vitriolic Venezuelan was flying into rucks like a demented capybara, with little regards for his safety or sanity.

In addition, PK Skips seem determined to live up to the recent YouGov poll where he was voted the worst Renegades scrum half over the last decade. Some of his passes were so high that both the Jet Blue and Delta planes had to take evasive action to avoid in-flight incidents.

Jahan was welcomed back to the starting line-up after a lengthy injury layoff. The international prop was frustrated as the scrums continually seemed to be awarded on the opposite wing to which he was stood on.

The first try conceded was preceded by a comedy of errors. The Mariners backs ran half the length of the pitch uncontested. Despite Tyler Durden busting a gut to track back and make a try saving tackle, the ball spilled loose and The Blair Witch Project, in a moment of madness, attempted to hoof the ball off the pitch like a young Colin Hendry, but only succeeded in nudging it into the grateful arms of the Mariners prop (and brother to Renegades fly-half Barry) Dustbin Archiballs.

The Blair Witch Projected appeared to start praying, some say to Allah; although it is more likely that the Ayrshire native was suffering from the sunstroke he is often afflicted by when he ventures out in temperatures warmer than 41 degrees Fahrenheit.

The second try came about after Mariner-for-the-day Healy made a break which was stopped dead by comparative heavyweight Tyler Durden, but not before he managed to offload to the remaining Mariners backs with a 4 on 1 against PK Skips, who unsurprisingly did little to prevent the try.

After the second try was conceded Jimmy Bum was brought on, mainly because he was irritating the other subs so much, as he was adamant he would turn the game around. This not only didn’t happen, but Jimmy was instrumental in the third try conceded shortly after his introduction. In what was almost a carbon copy of the first try, Jimmy “Try Machine” Bum took a big swing at a loose ball on the try line, but missed which allowed the Mariners to coast over for try number three.

As if things couldn’t get any worse before half time, Captain Sausages allowed his upper-middle class outrage to get the better of him and gave the referee a jolly good talking too….yellow card.

At the half time team talk it was agreed that the Renegades needed to up their game which they duly did. After some good phases of possession the Renegades found themselves with an attacking scrum on the Mariners 22. F@#k knows where PK was, but being nowhere near the scrum, back row Jimmy Bum decide the best option was to put his scrum-half skills to the test and fire out a speculative, inaccurate pass out in the general direction of the backs. Unfortunately, the Mariners fly-half made an interception and ran 70 meters to score the forth Mariners try to make it 24-0.

The Renegades started to up their intensity around the free-for-all the referee insisted was a “ruck”, with several of the forwards determined to neutralise Caballo Loco. It wasn’t long before Jimmy Bum, who was looking to make amends, ran a hard line of fly-half Barry. Jim was stopped on the Mariners 22, but not before he offloaded to Tyler Durden who went over the white wash for Renegades first try.

After the restart the Renegades started to run their patterns and managed to win a penalty on the Mariners 5 meter line. A complex tap-penalty move, possibly more at home in the 1970’s, was executed where all the decoy runners managed to miss the ball and ultimately resulted in a knock-on allowing the Mariners to relieve the pressure.

Not to be deterred, the Renegade forwards continued to run and ruck hard. Back in the Mariners 22, PK Skips delivered what at first appeared to be an horrendous pass but may actually have been part of the Ulsterman’s devious plan. The Renegades pack exerted good pressure to the Mariners scrum (resultant from the nock-on caused by PK’s pass). PK hustled the young Mariners scrum-half and managed to pinch the ball for a try making it 24-12. PK Skips…..or PK Söze?

Off the restart the Renegades pack headed straight back the Mariner 22 after powerful running for Jimmy Bum, Jahan and Barry Archiballs. Whilst the Mariners just about managed to stop the Renegades on their try line, this was but a short delay of the inevitable as Jahan barraged over from short range to make it 24-17.

All the momentum was with the Renegades now an only the clock could defeat them with 10 minutes remaining. It wasn’t long before the Renegades found themselves with an attacking scrum which journeyman No.8 Danny B clinically finished off a pick-and-go by running low and hard making it 24-22.

With the Renegades scenting an infamous victory, the forwards continued to turn the screw and won a scrum against the head which allowed Barry Archiballs to run in under the posts. Barry was less than impressed with delivery method of his kicking tee throughout the game which took the guise of lawn bowls, shot put and perhaps most successfully, the discus. (Note to future substitutes on kicking tee duty!) 24-29.

With the game minutes from being won, there was still time for a great run and offload from young centre Cedric Diggory to Sam The Other Ulsterman, who bamboozled the defence before gifting Captain Sausages an easy stroll under the posts. Barry converted with the last kick of the game to make it 24-36.

By all accounts this was a great Renegades come back, but all the players know that they should never have let themselves be in that position. With two more regular season games and the Nichol Shield still to play for there is plenty of work to be done before the seasons end.

Next week sees the National Team take on the Teachers, so Renegades are back in action on Saturday 11th February against Police.

The Ladies got back to their winning ways earlier in the day with a 3-2 victory over the Mariners. The Veterans were back with vengeance after their New York shenanigans and Amy Harvey make a fantastic break on the far wing whipping passed the Mariners, but not to be greedy she offloaded the ball to fellow partner in crime Mel who showed that despite turning 40 she's still got the quickest legs in the league, even with borrowed boots 2 sizes too small!! Minutes later Jinky Jenkins glided by a few dazed Mariners and made it 2-0 at half time.
Mel wasn't satisfied with one Try though and at the risk of losing a few toe nails she sprinted down the line to run in another, 3-0 Renegades. Showing that not everything runs in the family though, keeping up with women proved too much for Ref SFL who pulled his hamstring and had to retire at the end of the first half. Up stepped Mariners Coach to Ref the second half. Queue two extremely questionable Mariners Tries. Thankfully that wasn't enough to stop the Ladies returning to their winning ways. Woman of the Match however went to Vice Captain Ash Godek, who high on life (and a few double espressos) was running down balls all morning. Trooper. Special mention also goes out to Elaine.. who provided Mel with those lucky green boots 5 seconds before KO.

The Ladies were routing for a draw in the Teachers V Police game afterwards to secure their top spot again. However scuppering every possible chance of Teachers equalizing with Police, stand in Referee Jimmy Bum made a total cock up of procedures. When questioned what the fuck he was playing at by Mulligan afterwards... he exclaimed that he would have been in trouble with the missus if Police didn't win.