Renegades Secure Cup Final Victory

After a short turnaround of only seven days from the semi-final, Renegades arrived on Cup Final day boasting a strong squad with only a handful of absentees. Earlier in the week, Shiny Mikey surprised the squad at training with an unscripted, emotionally charged speech during which he announced his 3rd retirement from Bermuda Rugby. Losing the Cup Final was not considered an option for the “most talented team” he had ever been involved with.

Despite playing into a brisk wind, Renegades started the game with strongly. A good early break up the wing by West Indies legend Tom Healy came to an abrupt end when a misplaced pass couldn’t find the hands of Tiler Durden. Similarly, a good lineout steal from Jewish Jamie was wasted due to an offside infringement from the resulting drive. The butchered chances were starting to look ominous.
Just as hope was fading faster than the speed noted on Bum’s pre-match speeding ticket, a charged down kick landed fortuitously into the hands of Shiny Mikey who led the charge up field. A dominant Renegades scrum led to a John Quickly crash ball. With the entire defensive line tangled up in his flowing locks, Rich Cumberland dotted down for the first try of the game. The score came at an early cost though as JQ had to waltz off with a recurring quad injury, to which his watching wife correctly stated was “probably due to his lack of fitness”.

From then on it was business as usual. A dominant Renegades pack, missed lineouts from McChin and some handbags at dawn with Jamie and his opposite number. The continued pressure finally led to a flurry of scores. A crash ball try from Kung Fu Pettla was quickly followed by a lineout catch and drive score from McMisfire. Coach Barry then dotted down in the corner after refusing the option of passing to the Venezuelan Chuckle Brother on his outside. The first half was rounded off when Ben Dover finished off a quick tap move to make it 27 unanswered points in the first 40 minutes. Although confusion reigned amongst the non-English speaking players during the half time team talk as Mikey argued that it was actually “Nil Nil”.

The second period started poorly when the Renegades midfield parted quicker than Katie Prices’ quim at one of Kris Akabusi’s after parties, allowing Teachers to open the second half scoring. At this point, the tide appeared to be turning. In a complete reversal of the first half, the referee started to penalise the Renegades pack for infringements at the breakdown. A yellow card for Dunks was greeted with rapturous approval from the impartial delegation of BRFU spectators. What followed was 15 to 20 minutes of the most aesthetically turgid rugby not seen since the dark days of the McGlynn/Healy coaching era.

Changes were required and so the Renegades bench was emptied bringing a blend of experience and youthful enthusiasm in the form Hall, Gibson, McSaltface. Coincidentally, the score resumed. A break-away try from Jimmy Bum was greeted with groans from the half-way line by the original top try scorer. The easy conversion from the touchline was missed by the newly installed kicker, Korean Pool Hall. Fresh from that embarrassment, Hall made a petulant high tackle around the waist of the oncoming Teachers prop much to the disgust of the 5th official stalking the touchline.

Further tries by Healy and Jahan, cheekily converted via drop kicks by Des Nash, rounded off a successful afternoon. The only disappointment being the butchered chance from SSLC Kelly which would have put the retiring Mikey away for a try in his last game. Judging by the impeccable condition of his $12 Sports Direct boots, there is a good chance this will not be the last time we see the fat hairy Welshman in Renegades colours. Final score 46 – 5.