First they said Brexit wouldn’t happen. Then they said Trump had no chance of winning. Now in the latest geopolitical earthquake, Renegades had finally lost a game.

For a brief moment there was panic that this was the final divination of a Mayan doomsday prophecy, but it seems the earth is still spinning…for now.

The omens were not good as Renegades only has 13 confirmed players by Friday evening. The players were missing for a variety of reasons: the reinsurance w*nkers were hitting the ski slopes, Brick Top was looking for Paddington Bear, Benett had the sniffles and Geoffrey was going to a Freddy Mercury convention with his dad and Bungle.

Several old boys were called upon and grudgingly agreed to turn up, in addition to throwing in a few rookies and some extended family of the ladies team.

Teachers have been improving all season and coming off the back of a victory in the Hurdle had a very strong team out. By kick off Renegades had 15 men on the field who felt they were capable of giving Teachers a serious challenge.

Whilst the first half was evenly matched, the Teachers went into half time 21-12 up. The Renegade scrum was demolishing the Teachers scrum and it was amazing that the Teachers front row survived the half without any of them spending time in the sin bin. The Renegades were unable to turn this pressure into points due to multiple handling errors and bad decisions. This coupled with the Teachers back 3 who were causing chaos with their pace, running in 3 tries in the first half.

In the second half Renegades continued to turn the screw upfront and went over from a line out after a well worked catch and drive from 10 meters out.

Phil The Cup, joining up with the squad prior to his usual cup run, succeeded in crossing the try line only for the touch judge (and part time chipmunk) to rule it out saying it was a double movement.

The Teachers were unable to cope with the Renegade scrum and as another Teachers scrum was demolished, Mr. T came up swinging. Not only did he pity the fool, he punched McChin square in the face, right in front of the touch judge who had just disallowed Phil The Cup’s try. Amazingly the touch judge told the referee (who had followed the play) that he didn’t see nuffink.

Phil The Cup pulled his groin in his disallowed try so the only option available to the Renegades was to bring on crippled coach Barry Archiballs. It wasn’t long before the hefty fly half combined with hefty center Jabba The Quig and slid onto a neat grubber kick for a try that put Renegades right back into contention. It will take the ground staff a while to repair the pitch as Barchiballs thunder thighs left a furrow deeper than the rift of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge.

PK had had a good day with the boot kicking 3 out of 4 conversions and then kicking over a penalty with 10 minutes left on the clock as Renegades finally took the lead at 29-28.

However, Teachers came straight back at the Renegades and after multiple phases and some poor attempts at tackling by the Renegades went over for a converted try in the last minute.

There was still time for the restart, from which Teachers conceded a penalty and Renegades duly kicked for touch. What happened next would not have seemed out of place in The Three Stooges Movie.

Scrum-half PK Skips had repeatedly told Jimmy Bum not to take quick lineouts. Jimmy Bum had repeatedly taken quick lineouts, which he did once again with the final line out of the game. Scrappy ball was delivered and resulted in a knock-on.

PK Skips was angry. A lot of his anger probably stems from being short and from the ever increasing likelihood of a hard Irish border due to Brexit, but it was apparent to all that Jimmy had significantly contributed to his current state of ire.

Jimmy and Skips were arguing like two drunken Essex girls when captain Petting-Zoo had to step in and remind them that there was still time for the scrum and perhaps they should continue their chat after the game.

Just as the situation was defusing McChin decided to offer his best mate Jimmy some constructive feedback – Jimmy didn’t take the feedback in the spirit it was intended and gave McChin his second thump of the game. Petting-Zoo once again stepped in, resolving more disputes than Ban Ki-moon.

The two besties agreed to let bygones be bygones but unfortunately the game was lost - Renegades did however manage to pick up a losing bonus point and a 4 tries-scored bonus point.

Whilst disappointing that Renegades two and a half year winning streak had come to an end, the old proverb that every cloud has a silver lining proved true with McChin getting punched twice in the face cheering everyone up.

The game finished 29-35.

Renegades Rugby Football Club

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